I have never experienced a freedom like making music. The mental relief that comes from it is unparalleled, but being a musician where I’m from isn’t the easiest thing due to the overall lack of resources. So I’ve struggled and have learned that most everyone that is passionate and serious about something will struggle for at least a little while. I’ve found that the mixture of anxiety and depression that comes in waves can be overwhelming.
I remember some of the waves would strike when I couldn’t afford to eat. Sometimes it would be for a day, and other times several days where I was broke and too afraid to ask for help. Still, I continued to put passion into my music. Going through all those times when I didn’t have the basic necessities to take care of myself ultimately made me appreciate each moment and the beauty in the struggle which motivated me to work harder. I was taking what little I was given and creating a whole new world of possibilities by alchemizing my energy through my music, both the good and the bad.
Both sides allow for me and my art to exist; the good energy can be represented by a song like “Blueprints To My Mind” because it’s hopeful, shining, and triumphant. My bad energy can be represented by a track like “Hallways” because it’s anxiety-filled and slightly paranoid, but at the end of the day, it’s about the duality and understanding that one thing needs the other to exist. When I began to realize it’s all about adapting and making a lot out of little, the world slowed down for me.
Even at my lowest times, whenever I remembered those things, it made it somewhat easier to breathe. I’m a person that needs structure but at times I felt I had none, and being able to operate under an immense feeling of uncertainty for the future is emotionally taxing. After all those drained emotions, after all that hardship, what remains is the genuine passion that you started with, your vision, and the ability to bring it to life with your own hands.